You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brighten my day
Who would have believed that you where part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when your sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile

Takde dah.

Warghhhh.. lagi 20 hari nak tunggu interns habisssss... aku tak larat wehhh.. tak larat dah nak bangun pagi, pergi kerja, balik kerja, tido. Esoknye bangun lagi... sob sob.

Tak sabau nak habis interns so that I can play squash whenever. Sekarang nak main kene pergi ukm, pastu malam nak balik pd pulak. Naik moto kapcai je plak tuh.. gigih lerr aku bawak 80km/h je all the way to kl. So not me. Tapi aku takut nak pulas habis throttle.. takut overheat. moto biasa kan..

I just want to sleep and not wake up for a week.

Aku main vape sekarang. Not so serious la.. sekadar buat lepas gian berasap je. Tapi aku malas nak menggodek optimum settings.. sebab kerja ni buat aku rasa moodless for semua bende apart from squash and relaxing. I dont like creamy based flavors though. Buat aku rasa mual. Can only go with cool fruity stuff. Tu pun tak semua.. berries mmg out, cz rasa mcm ubat. Guava, mango ok. Pineapple pun ok laaaa..

I broke my prescription glasses masa sampling kat merambong, johor baru ni. Ok lah kot, one item less to remind me of the past. Maybe will go out tomorrow to look for a new pair. Oakley ada keluarkan a newer version of the Servo model, named Airdrop. They say its 50 lighter and it has rubber grips to avoid it from slipping. Kalau pattern dia sama, which is to say, that if it fits my face, then ill be getting it. Kalau tak.. tak pakai oakley dah la aku. Ataupun aku akan pakai frame sunglass aku instead.

Mana2 yg senang jelah.

I always adore listening to street music. Im not an artist, but I believe I have keen senses for good talent. Looking at them skillfully playing their instruments, can usually bring me to the point of tears.

Hati taman sangat.. kih3.

Same goes to meaningful photos, paintings, drawings, lyrics, beautiful voices, song arrangements.. I love them all. Thats why I decided to pick up photography recently. Always had wanted to learn the techniques of capturing priceless moments, but never had the persistence. Often I would purchase cameras, but never would I use them for more than a month. I was just too lazy to be carrying it around, and the awkwardness level when trying to take pictures of people was too damn high!

Sekarang better la.. I can baring bergolek gelantang in trying to get a shot that I want. All thanks to Scuba Jeff for mentoring me. Kalau tak jumpa brader ni, mungkin aku masih hanya berangan untuk mengambil gambar.

Walaupun gambar aku takde la bagus sgt pun.. tapi bagi aku, ada lah peningkatan prestasi tu. Hahaha...

I hope I could go further in this field, kot2 la bende ni hidden talent ke apa kan. Hahaha. Or good enough that I feel that my photos are comparable to steve mccurry's.. hahahahahahahaha.

Tinggi gilo cita2!

harini tgk result.

3.49 sahajo.

nak kata sedih.. tak kot. sebab mcm tak pergi kelas langsung sem ni.. perangai lagi. so kira ok lah tu.

cukup lah nak makan. hahahaha. seb baik lecturer semua sayang aku. kalau perangai mcm ni kat usm dulu, 1.00 dalam tangan.

sesungguhnye aku tak balik2 lagi ke pd. sebab aku malas. bangun hari2 pukul 2, 3 ptg. tak buat apa2 kerja, sebab adik ramai, so i get to be king..hihihi. supervisor text because she was expecting me today. said she was worried. i replied -

'omg im so sorry.. it rained this morning so i kinda slept back and now its past noon.. - 'its okay, theres not much work to do. you can come tomorrow instead, because interns are supposed to come back on wednesday'- 'ohhh.. okay la.'-'dont forget to bring me some rendang'

my parents decided to send my friends bike for, as a token of their gratitude for letting me eat and stay at their place for free. friends dad is really nice. always talks about fishing.. sampai aku pun rasa mengelejat nak g memancing. dont know when though.

i am planning to purchase a 5D mark II sometime soon. i have like a bunch of new-old lenses that my dad apparently owns from 16 years ago. that and 2 slr cameras. i am pretty stoked about them, because i feel like, film photography really tests your skills. i wanna know where i stand.

where do i stand?

Spending raya in kl this year. bukan berdua tetapi bertujuh. honestly what i expected is awkwardness.. but it did not go that way. it all felt as normal as an infant suckling on his moms tit.

ye mungkin segalanya akan berlalu, dan dilupakan.

mungkin bagus juga begitu.

esok nak balik PD, lusa tgk result sem ni.. aiyooo.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I know I left too much mess and 
destruction to come back again 
And I caused nothing but trouble 
I understand if you can't talk to me again 
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" 
then I'm sure that that makes sense 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

And when we meet 
Which I'm sure we will 
All that was there
Will be there still 
I'll let it pass 
And hold my tongue 
And you will think 
That I've moved on.... 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be

This song sounds a lot like something that happened to me:
I was married to a guy and asked for a divorce because of the things I did and felt unsatisfied with everything. He was really crushed about it and it totally tore him apart. We had spent a few months apart after that, and in that time, he decided that the only way to get over me was to have nothing to do with me. Truth is, he was so indifferent to me that it just killed me, and I realized that I couldn't live without him. I became just as depressed and messed up as he had been, but I refused to tell him how I felt, because I knew that I didn't deserve to even tell him that I still loved him. Eventually, I couldn't bear the pain anymore, and I confessed my feelings...the first 2 verses of this song are almost exactly what I had said to him when I started out the conversation. He had still had some feelings for me, but he just couldn't take me back, because I had hurt him so badly. A lot has happened since then, but I still think about him everyday. We still have feelings for each other, but neither of us would ever admit it. This song just seems to spell out my relationship to a tee.

Its only been like a couple of months but like i said, im not a person who easily falls in love with anyone.

I gave him this song, just to get that peace of mind. Dapat la jugak kepuasan tu..because it includes everything that I have to say.

Internship is boring.. perhaps its because of the scope of work..aquaculture. Im not much into it. Much more interested in whats going on in the open sea. Even so, because im dealing with live creatures(seahorses), that sense of responsibility is somewhat inevitable. Kesian la kan kalau binatang tu tak dijaga, diberi makan, dibelai. Kuda laut pun boleh belai tau. Hahaha. Lumut kat badan dia kene buang selalu..kalau tak boleh masuk askar dah dorang.

The weather has been really pleasant these couple of days. Lama tak rasa cuaca macam ni..

My muscles are shrinking. Rapidly.. im pretty concerned about it, but I dont know what to do. I need like a proper gym with weights and all, because I dont feel satisfied working out only by body weight. Rindu nak main squash. Theres a royal pd yacht club here with squash courts, but its for members only. Boring betul.. nak pergi main kat ukm tapi I have to work every day. Ye itulah downside kerja bidang aquaculture. Nak kene tend to the animals everyday.

I cannot help feeling lonely at times. I have people who love me but I feel like theyre doing it wrong. They dont understand that I need space sometimes. I dont feel like I actually have anyone to talk to, to listen to what I have to say. They always have something to criticize, or worse, they put words in my mouth instead. Tell me how to act, tell me what to do..

I havent found anyone so far, who can just accept me for who I am.

Masa berbuka tadi aku dah bayangkan growing old alone. Hahaha.. dahsyat tak dahsyat.

Nak merayap la jap.

Not everyone knows this, but perhaps it is time for me to make it public. I am officially divorced. Because of what I did, I initiated the divorce, because I thought it would make everyone happy. Basically everyone thinks im shit for being a wife but hanging out with guys like theres no limit to it. Well of course lah I am.. maybe because I forgot my religion kot..pikir nak kawan je, pikir nak seronok. Sebab all these while what was important to me is that I stayed faithful. Well yea, most of my friends are guys. Tapi takde la plak aku nak main cinta kan.

Unfortunately thats not how its supposed to be. My actions made my ex and his family hurt. So I guess whats best is for me to just, get out of their picture.

I dont think I need to to explain myself further..what happened, happened. And now I am told to move on.

Oklah...

I finished my viva, you know, the assessment for your final year project. and i think i did ok, though my professor did say that my work is good. i dont know wether to agree or not, because honestly i felt it was shit. i dont think the data is usable at all, because of time constraints and my methodology not being too strong. but whatever. its done, and if he says its ok, that means its ok lah.. i just hope he really meant it, dont want the the result to be a B. cakap ok, tapi tak ok. would be dissapointed then...

i have three more papers to go before i complete this semester, then its off to industrial training. i hope training would make me learn something.. dont want to be doing nothing like before. tapi sebab this time it actually is something related to what im studying so should be ok lah.. ill be doing research with UPM. on aquaculture and some ecology work kot. on and off mabul.. what more could i ask for.

cant wait!

When you realize the decisions you made recently is not what you actually want, you cant help feeling that it would be best if you could just dissapear from the face of the earth until everything gets back to normal.

Will it ever be normal again though?

Fuck.

Susah kalau dah bagi hati kat org ni. Nak ambik balik, mungkin during periods of time ko rasa dah takde sebab marah, tapi bila dah rilek tu kau rasa mcm ohh fuck apa aku dah buat ni.

Tapi tak apa lah. Tak boleh nak puaskan hati semua org. Hati aku pun tak puas. So be it.

some people dont understand, how hard it is for me to actually fall in love.

the time it took for me to do so the first time was almost 4 years..

4 years to fucking feel that tingling sensation whenever he texted,saying i love you, or asking me about my day, wether ive eaten or not, what have i been doing..things like that. feeling confident of letting the world know how much i love him only after we tied the knot... betapa lamanye masa aku amek untuk mampu express perasaan kasih sayang tu sepenuhnye.

i really am not the type who immediately falls for someone fast and hard.

i always thought, that if things werent meant to be with my husband, then i would never love again. 

buat masa ni, i cannot avoid how other people feel towards me. i might like the guy in return, but that would be as far as it goes lah.. nak rasa cinta tu.. jauh lagi perjalanan.

mungkin hati aku ni hanya ada ruang untuk satu kot. 

kalau begitu lah hakikatnye.. aku ok je. sebab aku ada rasa, dgn gaya dan keadaan family yang memilih mcm ni,  aku akan hidup sorang je nanti in future. senang. 

So Sorry

I am sorry

For all the hurt i have caused

Sorry

For all the sins you had to bear on my behalf

Sorry 

For all the lies that i have told

Sorry

For forgetting my duties as a wife

All because i am selfish, and i let slip the ways of islam

Some people appear in life as a blessing, while some as a lesson

I realize that i am the latter in yours

Because i am what i am, and because i feel you deserve someone better

I can never be good enough for you any longer with all that ive done

Though it was difficult for me to not stray away from my cold hearted decision

Parting is the only way that would make me feel at peace,

An opportunity for me to make amends and start over

Never will i forget what we had before, during the days when we were mutually happy and content

Thank you, and goodbye.

out of 500 photos that i took, only 10 can be used.. itu pun by my standards.. ahahahaha..

kalau by jep's..i dono la. tak hado kot.

lets see now.. aku bukak laptop kol 3 ptg.. nak buat kerja..

sekarang dah pukul 1 pagi.

dari siang tadi aku dok main2 dgn gmbar.. and tgk fb..

kah3...

tak boleh harap langsung.

esok kelas kol 8. tah boleh bangun tah tidak. biasa mmg kalau kunci jam aku sedar dari tido.. tapi nak bangun dari katil tu yang malas gila.. dah la kalau kelas kol 8 aku kene gerak sebelum kol 6.15, kalau aku nak naik public transport. taxi pun kene gerak awal, sebab kalau pukul 8 kat station tu mmg takde taxi.. tunggu lah sapai 8.30, baru ada. malas aku.. dah la kene berebut. kelas sejam plak.. tak berbaloi langsung. subject esok ni lecturer biasa ajar simple and short je.. so usually itd only take like 45 mins or so. kalau 8.30 baru nak naik cab.. dgn having to share it with another one or two passengers.. mmg 8.45 lah aku sampai kelas. bukan aku malu tau sampai lambat.. aku selalu jer sampai lewat gila..selamber masuk. lecturer pun paham kot.. sebab tau aku duduk kat kl. dulu masa naik basikal lagi lah.. dah la sampai lewat, peluh jeruk.. letih mengayuh, so tido jelah in the remaining minutes. tapi kalau kecuh kecah semata nak sampai kelas yang dah habis.. tak ke bengap namanye tu.. baik aku tido je kat rumah..

mau tk mau.. kene gerak awal ler.. puiiihhh..

masa first sem dulu aku selalu dapat bawak kereta kalau kelas pagi.. so kelas tak pernah miss.. ni makin hujung makin malas plak. hahahahha.

good night!

Aku suka tgk documentaries.. especially the ones on wildlife. Ever since I was young, the national geographic slot on rtm,tv3 was something that I anticipated. Without fail,tiap2 minggu mmg aku tgk.. kalau terlepas tu kira frust gila lah..sebab dulu astro takde, so shows only run once.

Sekarang dah ada astro,internet lagi.. takpe lah. Kalau sempat je tgk.

Kejap ni aku tgk man in the wild:water. This african guy, made a significant change to the lands he roam. Dari tanah gersang,dia boleh buat pokok tumbuh... jadi hutan. Dia sorang pulak tuh, sebab the rest of the tribe thinks he's crazy and they dont think hed make it so they refused to help. And he doesnt even have scientific knowledge. Tapi dia boleh pikir mcmana nak retain water, encourage symbioses.. and all sorts of things.

And that scuba jeff guy..the mabul guy. He used to pay kids to collect plastic waste. Like wtf.. aku tak pernah terpikir pun nak buat mcm tu. kenapa dia pikir macam tu weh?!!?!?!

and theres this friend of mine, from usm, younger than me, but already thinking above and beyond. buat macam2.. sampai boleh pergi LI dekat woodshole institute of oceanography..(interns in the states and in research centers like this one are difficult to try for.. baru try tau. competition bersepah.. i tried applying for MBARI before, tapi tak dapat.. sebab resume aku 0..kah3... orang pemalas.. mcm ni lah.. mengharap durian tu gugur terbukak dan isi dia terlantun keluar sambil force tu menanggalkan the whole flesh from the seed, terus masuk dalam mulut aku..mmg tak dapek la kannn..).

Aku yang ada acientific knowledge and resources ni..tak boleh nak fikir mcm mana nak buat something for the environment..mcm dorang dorang ni.. aduhai.

Maybe I seem easily impressed by people..but man, kau boleh ke fikir nak buat bende2 mcm tu? Aku rasa mungkin sebab aku sekarang ni agak content with life..walaupun masih tak mampu nak duduk diam2 kat rumah.. kalau boleh aku nak merayap je. ikut org... sape2 pun tak kesah.. janji merayap.. haha.. apa punya bini daa..

Kadang2 the thought of not being able do think of something usefull makes me feel like shit. You might think im exaggerating, but no im not. I love the environment,very much. Itu pasal aku amek marine biology. Sebab mmg bende ni lah yg aku nak buat dari kecik..tapi tulah..my brain isnt that productive. Yang gua terer ialah kelentong hahahaha. Janji gua boleh merayap tanpa dipersoalkan.. I feel like its a waste that us humans are causing the deterioration of it unconsciously by time..and its really sad when documentaries from years ago that features pristine conditions of ecosystems are no longer true in todays world.

Nanti in years to come will people still be able to see the beauty of our planet?

My worst fear on this issue is if all that remains would only be of memories in the future.

Bila lah otak gua nak start turning nihhh..bilaaaaaaaaa??!!! Arghghghhh

I like the taste of burnt raisins.. bitter sweet.

I blog a lot lately.. yang gap lama aku tak blog tu bukan sebab apa..banyak je bende aku nak cakap2..tapi tak tertulis..sebab phone dulu susah nak post. Aku tak minat pakai client app...

Seb baik blackberry ni boleh guna browser mcm biasa and senang lah jugak nak post..compared to samsung dulu.kalau nak post guna browser dia macam ada bende tak kene.

Its weird for me not to say these things out loud, because bila aku tgh cakap dgn org aku terpikir..but it just wont come out. Hahah.. I guess I like keeping things inside je kot. That pretty much explains the failed vlog attempts lol.

I got to know that UKM will be sending us squash players for the racquet sports event in sarawak sometime during may. Aku harap takde laaaa player power.. bosan lah asek kalah je.. kah3. Takde motivasi langsung! Dulu aku gila babi training nak naik..tapi takde hape pun..sebab aku takde background sukan.. kerja aku throughout my primary and highschool years is makan tido jer. Start pegang reket masa nak habis matrik..pastu kat usm jadi gila kejap..12 jam sehari wei duduk kat court. Hari hari,without fail.Kelas tak pergi apa pun tak buat

Org sampai panggil aku penunggu squash court. Hehe.. last2 penunggu ni boleh 1.57 je hahahahahaha.. pastu mak aku tny dpt berapa..aku cakap 2.7..ghopernye surat sampai kat rumahhh sebab kene probation kan..haha..tu paling bongok skali. Seb baik mak aku redha je.

Tapi masa tu aku susah nak ubah cara aku started with.. basics were bad..so everything else was bad as well. But I was so in love with the sport.. when I got married, DH Cakap takleh main, I felt so down..like my heart was ripped into a thousand pieces. Serious wa cakap lu. Masa tu aku pun tak tau nak kata apa..time tu plak takde org tau aku dah kawen, so bila kene buli mcm tu aku tak tau nak cakap kat siapa. Haha..sadis betul.

sekarang ok lah.. dia tak bagi pun terpaksa bagi je.. hahahaha

Sekarang I am playing much better than dulu, even with less hours. Because I have finally managed to grasp the basics, and learned how to relax, and play just to keep me satisfied. And of course win some lah kan.. asek kalah je bosan gak. UKM hantar untuk medal..tapi aku mampu main ikut kemampuan aku je..sebab sini takde coach. Training sendiri boleh dapat medal ke? Gua bukan squash prodigy beb... kalau tak konfem2 aku dah main malaysia, walaupun start main at the age of 20.

Kalau dapat medal tu..mmg lah sebab player power takde, kah3.

Dulu senang sikit nak menang..sebab masum biasa dia within ipta je.. sekarang both ipta and ipts ada skali. Banyak state players masuk ipts..so bila dah semua ada.. competition dia mmg tough la. Aku tak boleh nak lawan lah dorg punye shots and ball placements.. kejar bola aku ok. Tapi kalau semua dah nak main trick shots je..mampus jugak nak mengejarnye. Fitness gua hancur.. sebab..sebab..hahahahahaha. If you lepak with me and the circumstances are right, then you will know why :p

Its almost 5 in the morning.. so boring. I played a bit of battlefield tadi..best jugak sebab I got quite a lot of kills today.

Today is one of the most boring days in my entire life... cari org nak lepak.. org takde! Hahahahaha.

Disebabkan bosan..aku bawak kereta pun 60km/h je td dari bangi sampai lah ke rumah..

Itu kira petak tahap mokhsya dah tu. Kalau tak myvi tu habis meter aku tekan.

Sesampainye di rumah..gua duduk tgk you tube, baring2, pusing sana pusing sini.. main peluk2 dgn laki aku.. dgr lagu balik, masak nasik..potong tembikai yg tak sedap langsung..

Adoii.. apebende la nak buat ni sial. Padahal kerja bertimbun jer.. haha tapi mood kerja tu tak dtg.. rasa nak lepak je.taknak duduk diam buat kerja! Taknakkkkk!

Tak sabar nak tunggu isnin..nak pergi ukm..

Disebabkan aku merengek non stop sebab bosan kat laki aku.. he gave in. And brought me to the movies. We watched kingsman, which I thought was pretty cool because of this guy

Ive always liked watching him act. I find him to show the expressions that I appreciate. Mcm ada takde perasaan gituh... walaupun tua..tapi pergh. Style sial... pehhhhhhh..angau la aku malam niiii..hahaha. aritu kat alan rickman, ni kat dia plak. 

I dont know wether its them being british that caught me or what but they definitely are very sexy men.

I have a friend, who is in the process of a divorce. Kawan aku ni laki. Bini dia yang mintak cerai tu. They have been together for almost 15 years, including 8 years of marriage. Alasan bini dia mintak cerai mmg aku tak boleh nak brain lah kan..because dorang dah susah sama2 dari awal. Secara tiba jahhh bila bini dia dah kerja masyuk, start buat perangai, mintak cerai..katanya kerana kawan aku ni tak mampu tanggung family.

And dia maki macam2 lagi... agak haru lah kan.

Kawan aku ni sedih gila..sebab dia tak sangka, kenal punya lah lama, tapi disebabkan harta bini dia boleh jadi mcm tu. Padahal family kawan aku ni banyak gila tolong bini dia bab duit even before dorg kawin lagi.

Tapi disebabkan bini dia mintak cerai dan dah malukan kawan aku ni, semua org pun jadi benci ahh kat bini dia. Mak bapak, kawan2(laki aku) nasihat suruh dia forget the wife and find someone else,and never to go after her again. I have my doubts, because I feel like he is kinda like me, where perasaan dia tu bersembunyi disebalik lawak2 bodo bangang dia dan kata2 poyo dia yang dia takkan pegi balik ke bini dia.

And memang betul pun.. despite all the brainwashing from various parties, dia masih menaruh harapan untuk bini dia balik kat dia. Bini dia sekarang malas nak deal dgn court case or bayar gantirugi kot, that dia pujuk kawan aku ni balik, demi anak katanya. Obviously mamat ni nak! Perasaan sayang ni bukan boleh suka suka hati je dtg dan pergi. Casanova sekalipun, kalau dah sangkut sorg, mmg dia sangkut jugak... walaupun dia still nak main cinta dgn org lain.

And bila laki aku dapat tau, dia rasa nak marah kat kawan aku ni.

So I told him..

Kita tak duduk kat tempat dia. Semua org cakap senang suruh lupa, tapi sebenarnya kalau jadi kat kita, entah lagi teruk terhegeh2nye. Aku sendiri pun kalau ko mintak cerai maki2 pastu pujuk aku balik, mmg aku akan balik kat ko. And I am pretty sure that you would do the same. It would be different if he already has someone to be with. Ni apa pun takde.. dahla dia ada anak dgn bini dia tuh. And dia pernah susah sama2. The very least we could do is just be there for him lah.. kata kawan?!

Hahaha.. aku rasa mcm penasihat agung sangat when I came out with such sentences.. but seriously beb, cakap aku yang ni..mmg betul dan boleh pakai. Aku rasa lah. Kan..hahahahaha

Janganlah main2 dengan perasaan.. you dont know how much it could hurt anyone. I have been frustrated myself and believe me, the pain is even worse than my second miscarriage. And aku ni kira berhati jantan lah jugak..

Harini makan banyak..nak tido takboleh..perut kembung sgt. Esok kononnye nak bangun pagi pergi gym pastu main squash kat ukm. Tah boleh tah tidak..pg td pun bangun kol 10.30...hahaha.

Karoke..best nyanyi lagu melayu lama2 je. Sebab lagu melayu je yg mendayu..tak kira lah rock ke tak. Kalau mat salleh lagu dia mcm biasa je.

Sejak 2 menjak ni aku asek pergi karoke je..dulu, aku mmg suka gila karoke. Yelah sekarang pun suka jugak. Tapi dulu lg gila.. tiap malam 20 lagu. Lagu satu singgit..so berbaloi la kan..haha.. sekarang kat kl ni kira per room per hour..kalau nak nyanyi banyak kene skip lagu sokmo. Tak puas..

Banyak bende aku rasa tak kena sekarang nih.. pasal apa entah. Umur baru 25 going 26 end of this year, takkan dah ada mid life crisis? Hidup gua sampai 50 je ke?

Must have something to do with religion nih.. dulu masa jack2 alim kerja aku nak main squash je. Sekarang tak berapa alim macam2 nak buat. Hahahahaha... jgn macam2 jgn macam2.

Finally taik aku keluar semua harini..berkat blog dlm jamban.

Apa tu hidup tanpa tujuan?

Hidup yg ko bangun,pergi ukm,nak buat kerja,tapi tak buat, kelas tak pergi sebab malas nak gerak dari tempat duduk semasa, pastu fikir bila nak siap..

Senang cite pikir je tapi tak de action

aku lah tu.. adoi..

Semalam aku lepak dgn kawan dari usm. Boleh kata dia ni salah sorg kawan yg aku rasa best la. One of the very few yang stood by me lol. We talked about what happened,how it all happened (pasal kawin lari) and talked about the feelings we used to have and where we stand at now. Aku suka cerita bende bodoh..but at the same time aku appreciate gila if the conversation becomes more of a serious one. Because that would be the time when I would unconsciously pour my heart out, which explains why I am usually found to be happy. If I dont get to talk then I would write here. As satisfying as writing gets, I couldnt possibly remember to note everything, there would always be points left out..but whatever. Janji ada je.

Mungkin org tertanya.. ada laki apehal nak pergi cerita dgn kawan laki lagi..cakap2 dgn laki je sudah.

Hahahahaha.. eh sukati aku la aku nak cakap dgn sape pon!

Aku dgn laki aku jarang bincang hal serious. Mungkin sebab hal serious aku biasanya berkaitan dgn family aku so dia tak berapa minat nak dengar.. aku tak salahkan dia, I know he has his reasons. But me being me, aku tak nak mengharap for him to be able to lend me his shoulder, sebab aku tak suka perasaan kecewa bila dia endah tak endah tu. Buat aku marah..pastu nnt gaduh..gaduh buat serabut..aku tak suka serabut. Hahaha banyak bende aku tak suka ni.. tapi tulah. Jadi kalau aku cakap, dan dia tak layan or malas2 nak komen, aku tak sebut dah, and bila aku lepak dgn kawan, kalau kawan tanya aku cerita. Biasanya kawan2 aku mmg tanya lah.. haha aku pun tak tau pasal apa dorg sibuk nak tny tapi aku appreciate soalan2 serious mcm tu. Because then I would get to talk.

And they would offer suggestions, dari yang bongok hinggalah ke yang berasas.

Mcm needy, tapi aku boleh je lepak sorg2 kalau takde org nak lepak dgn aku.

Dari semalam lagi aku nak berak tapi takleh.. adoiii.. pundek lerr.. yakult dah minum..makan dah mcm mengandung perut aku ni. Toilet dah dekat rumah.. period baru habis.. apa masalah lagi tak tahu..

Ke sebab banyak sgt protein ah?

Dah tgh bulan march do.. shit la. Why does time fly at this rate?! Why am I blaming time for my own ignorance? Lol. Kerja tak start2 pun.. aduhh.. apelah perangai ni. Patut dah boleh siap,tapi tak gerak satu apa! Wehh aku stress..stress dgn diri aku sendiri. Tolong lah.. I think I need to have like a getaway to finish everything up.

Ini lah perangai tahik..komplen2 tapi apa pun tak buat.. hahaha.

Apelah nak jadi sem ni..makin lama makin tahpape plak aku rasa aku belajar ni. Maybe mmg betul ler..sume bende pun aku cepat bosan.

Makin jauh dgn tuhan plak tuh.. ish. Dulu dah mcm tobat..patu buat balik bende sama.. sarah2..

Hari2 aku pergi ukm dgn harapan keluarlah light bulb atas kepala so that I could start on my work..tapi takde! Mana hilangnya saka2 semangat kat ukm tu pun entah.

harini gua dapat apa yang gua cari.. although not exactly as how i wanted it, tapi takpelah.. janji jenis edition jugak.

dulu bersepah siall,, oakley fives squared. sekarang mak aiii.. susah gila nak cari. aku plak nak yang ducati punye, mmg takde dah la.. aku tak minat yang frame dia polished.. sbb aku rasa kilat2 ni tak best mana pun. tak ganaz.. haha. but i end up buying the motoGP edition of fives squared..because yang tu je ada. boleh nak custom dari us, tapi belanja banyak lah plak.. premade sunglasses costs around 70 -90 us dollars.. custom 170 us dollars.. gila kau.. boleh je sebenarnye nak beli, tapi aku kalau boleh nak ler simpan sikit... kot nnt ada bende lain nak beli kene tunggu pulak zaman berzaman.

satu lagi warna yang aku suka ialah smoke grey.. for the frame. pakcik laki aku ada a pair of smoke grey fives squared. i asked him last week but he doesnt have them on him at the moment. said its somewhere at home in kemaman.

takpe ahh.. nnt ada duit lebih sikit aku order yang custom punye.. hahahahaha.. ye i like to membazir like that. kedekut sambil bazir..

harini hari sabtu.. esok ahad... pastu isnin.. gua tak sabo tunggu isnin sebenarnye ni.. nak main squash!

I always find peace when im shitting in the toilet. I dont know why..I guess dumping is my me time lol.

I used to have all the books written by khaled hosseini. There were only two at that time, the kite runner and a thousand splendid suns. And I had them read like countless times, because I loved the way he wrote it, I love reading of peoples struggles in achieving their freedom. I appreciate how he puts it in writing.

Today, after many years (and i lost both books too) I watched the movie 'kite runner' for the first time. The actors couldnt have performed better..everything is as just how I read it... though of course lacking a bit of emotion that you could only get from reading. The cinematics of the movie is beautiful, perhaps because of the settings. I like places as such..i feel that theres so much to see, so many scars to intepret of, and it all hit me right in the feels.

Hati aku kalah lah dgn bende2 mcm tu.. haih. I think its because of age..makin tua, makin nak menghargai ke apa tah. Or maybe ni tgh zaman aku nak kene relate semua bende dgn hidup aku...haha..mcm bodoh je. In other words, zaman takde kerja!

Tapi bro, wujud ke orang sebaik baik hamba seperti dalam cerita tu?

this is an attempt of trying to speak my heart out... haha.. its pretty awkward, aku jadi tak tau nak cakap apa, padahal banyak je bende nak bagitau. maybe i just have to get the hang of it, perhaps im just too comfortable with writing.

baru jerrr balik dari mabul like 2 days ago. apa verdict aku tentang mabul?

tempat paling best pernah aku pergi...

asal? sebab depan2 chalet dah ada seagrass. and theres so many things to see amongst the blades! diving on the other hand was ok la.. i felt a bit bored, because everyone else had cameras to use and i din. i wanted to get one, but i was afraid of my buoyancy not being good enough.

the best experience was the company.. shit man.. they were the most awesome group of people ever. i fucking enjoy laughing all day long with them, off their stupid jokes and all.

that and i met another talented photographer..the owner of the water chalet himself, Scuba Jeff. oh my god, his photos are phenomenal. yelah.. aku ni siapa je nak judge kan, camera pun takde,., kalau gambar aku amek tu, dari seratus keping, 1 pun tak jadi.. hahahahaha. tapi aku rasa aku ada keen eye pada seni yang orang lain hasilkan.

mungkin tak cantik pada mata orang lain, tapi cantik pada aku. gambar jep ni, jenis yang bila aku tgk tu, dia ada satu rasa suam yang fills up my whole body, sekali dengan rasa sebak di hati.. mcm nak nangis gitu.. gambar2 yang supervisor aku amek pun banyak yang mcm tu jugak.

dan aku suka gila bila datang perasaan mcm tu dikala aku melihat hasil fotografi orang.

aku suka tgk benda cantik. suka gila.

laki aku cakap aku bukan suka tgk bende cantik, tapi aku suka tgk benda mahal... hahaha kuang hajo. bukan salah aku kalau bende cantik tu mahal...

tapi serious la wei.. kalau aku berduit, mmg aku tak kisah pun nak spend beribu on a single photo.. because i believe that things that can touch my heart are priceless, nak pulak bila secara terang dan nyata terbukti bahawa aku ni sukar tersentuh hati.

ok lah.. kalau rasa nak tgk apa yang aku gila gila kan sangat tu.. tgk la kat sini. brader ni dah pemalas sekarang, berkurun dah tak update. still, gambar2 dia mmg leleh la sial.. https://scubajeff.wordpress.com/

and lagi satu.. supervisor aku punye.. https://www.flickr.com/photos/keealfian

its almost 5, im gona be late for squash.

tadi aku nampak beberapa buah kereta luxury kat jalan ampang,a bmw 745Li and a bentley, which model i dont know,masuk kat intermark nye parking. and i wonder, which would be nicer,  on the wheels or at the back as a passenger...

aku rasa duduk belakang lagi best kot. sebab kereta jenis camtu, priority is focused towards the comfort of passengers. 

kalau supercar ye aku nak bawak sendiri. 

went to Port Dickson today to look for some seagrass for my lecturer's seagrass tank project. there isnt much, but definitely more than enough to start a tank. if i am not mistaken we collected around 5 species, Cymodocea serrulata, Halodule uninervis, Halophila ovalis, Enhalus acoroides and perhaps a Thalassia hemprichii.

lol im not sure if im even correct in identifying them.. though they are pretty easy to be distinguished as the id manual is pretty straightforward.. everything needed to distinguish the plant can be seen by the naked eye.

Main air ni... sekejap pun letih nak mampus.. kerja thesis aku tak jalan langsung.. ingat nak buat malam ni, tapi saya sudah mengantuk.. mau tido lah!

i love browsing on 9gag, because the jokes can be so goddamn cynical  sometimes. and as long as i can remember, i have always been a sucker for extreme cynical jokes.

itu pasal aku berkenan dengan laki aku.

kebolehan dia membuat lawak spontaneously mmg menambat hati aku kaw2 punye..

that and his good heart. hihihihihi

but to my dissapointment, 9gag is slowly turning into a porn hub. why cant people just stick to jokes for upvotes? posting porn is literally cheap publicity. yelah.. aku suka jugak stuff related to porn, tapi bila dah semuanya porn baik aku bukak youporn je!

aku bukak 9gag nak tgk lawak weh.. bukan pornnnnnnn!!!!

tension tension.

umur aku dah 25 tahun.. lagi 5 tahun nak masuk 30.. mak aii.. feels like it was just yesterday that i \sneaked out from my house as soon as my mom fell asleep in the afternoon sebab nak main dgn jiran kat hujung taman perumahan aku. i was 5.

nampak tak, kecik2 lagi dah suka buat hal.. besar2 jadi lah baik. baik nye!

so kelmarin aku pergi gym, and did legs. squash aku tak teruk sangat pakai kaki.. sebab aku tak rajin lunge and bend for the ball. so bila pergi gym, pakai weights plak buat squat and calve raises, memangggg mendapat. i knew then that it would hurt so bad after.. semalam tak berapa sangat, masih boleh berjalan berjimba.. sakit sikit je. harini, mungkin sebab duduk banyak sangat, bila nak berdiri tu, aiyoooo.. 

mcm puki je sakitnye. 

org kata no pain no gain.

yelah.. gua holding back the tears lah ni!

moga esok bermotivasi nak buat upperbody.. sebab biasanya kalau dah sakit macam ni, aku lagi prefer tido, even when im supposed to stretch it all out, and do light exercises to fasten recovery. main squash tu kira halal la kann.. bukan main dgn pro pun. light light la tuhh.. 

only easy source of protein sekarang ni ialah - telur.. aku cakap kat DH nak beli isolate whey, dia tak bagi! kedekut gilaaaa... aku tak larat lah weii nak makan solid food banyak2.. nnt aku takleh tido kalau perut kembung. nak prepare meals before i go to UKM in the morning is possible, and dah pernah buat pun tapi kekadang aku balik dah tgh malam, mana nak tido nak urus bende2 lain lagiiii.. plus nak bawak bekas ke UKM tu pun dah satu hal. leceh! nak bawak baju lagi...banyak plak bende nak bawak. 

aku ingat nnt dapat duit pt aku kene beli jugak lah.. sakit jugak kalau nak kene mkn mcm ni. plus bodybuildng is 70% nutrition.. and i dont think im getting enough as it is. buat letih je sakit nak mampos, tapi takde gainzzzz....

tadi aku berlagak ngan SV, boleh tahan nafas lama dlm air. patu aku pertikaikan asal dia takleh... patutnye boleh ahhhhh... 

ayat reply dia, bagi geli hati aku betulla bila teringat.. 

'dah takboleh, nak buat macamana, so sue me la!' 

hahaha.. hahahahahah!

aku tau tu attempt dia nak bajet comel ngan aku! ptuih!

aku ni, tak tahan sejuk. biasanya kalau laki aku pasang aircond dalam bilik, aku tido luar. bila dah bahang gila babi baru aku masuk dlm bilik cari aircond.. haha.

biasa aku drive pun aku lagi selesa bukak tingkap. nak plak bila naik myvi. even though malaysian cars are of low quality, its air conditioning power is phenomenal. bab tu je dia paling win.. kalau hari tgh panas gila babi, pasang aircond, lepak dlm kereta myvi would be your best bet to cool yourself off.

tapi pernah jugak aku tido dalam kereta sebab udara kat rumah time tu sejukkkk gilaaa! its like everywhere i sit was freezing. last2 gua turun basement tido dlm kereta je. tak panas, tak sejuk. best!

pernah sekali, masa pergi diving LOB, lepas naik tu, the air had gotten to me so aku panaskan badan dekat vent engine. secara tiba jahhhhh kene simbah dgn ais berbatu batu dari atas, bongok nye fahmy. langsung malam tu aku demam.

and ada sekali tu aku dive tak pakai wetsuit.. masa pergi sampling. malas punya pasal. dlm air tu jugak aku menggigil.. naik, toksah kira laa.. hhahahaha.. rasa sejuk sampai ke tulang.

lecturer aku pasang aircond dlm bilik dia pun aku sejuk menggigil2.. pehh.. kalau pergi overseas time winter tak tau la aku mcmana..keras kejung mcmtu je... tak boleh buat apa2.

aku rasa ni semua sebab biasakan diri mandi pakai heater lah.. boleh ke tak mcm tu?

esok kelas start. malas betul.. tapi rindu kawan. tapi malas... thesis patut dah siap.. tak siap2 pun. dasar pemalas, lembap! semua nak harapkan SV.

apebende kau ni sarah?!

kadang2.. aku sendiri terlupa, kerana mendengar hasutan syaitan, dimana,

when someone desires you, it does not mean that they value you all the same.

and i am glad, so glad that aku masih dilindungi Allah S.W.T, despite failing to completely resist temptations.

ya. syukur aku dilahirkan islam. because without it, banyak bende bongok haruslah dah berlaku.

i had a look at my results, just so i know.. and im never gona look at it again. may this be a lesson for me.

did i ever mention how much i am into alan rickman? the guy who played snape in harry potter? oh god he is so fucking sexy! i could watch all his movies over and over, just to hear his voice.

he is the main reason why i love watching harry potter... he's that little plot twist in the movie that makes it all so awsome.

i swear he gives me the shivers! hahahahahahahha okay i sound like a godamn pervert now.

Hari ni , hari keramat. aku takut gila.. takut sebab ada kemungkinan besar bahawa subjek yang aku telah cuba gugurkan dulu, tak boleh dilakukan, dan akan dikira sebagai 'gagal' dalam keputusan peperiksaan aku. Dan itu akan menyebabkan keputusan keseluruhan aku menjadi seperti babi.

FUCK man.. just fuckfuckfuck.

i wish i could just sleep and wake up not remembering that results are out.

i almost forgot about it, until a friend 'helpfully' reminded me of it even when i specifically told him not to. aiyooo..

anyways.. theres this other thing thats bothering me, my data. im supposed to start analyzing, but then i havent, and i tried using SPSS, but damn i think its difficult because im not even sure what a goddamn variable is.. hahahahahaha. i tried consulting my lecturer on what to do, he gave me good answers.. but still it doesnt make me know how to use the software, so im pretty much still stuck. i could always go to my supervisor, and because he knows how to use another type of software, i could get it done in a jiffy.. but contacting him feels awkward nowadays.. i dont know why. its like, when i text him and he doesnt reply, i get that gut feeling that he doesnt want to talk to me or something.

i tried looking for analyzing services, but theyre all pretty costly. and tuition on the subject costs more than if i were to ask them to just run the damn thing for me.

the thing is, i would gladly pay, but i want to see how its done. and these analyzers, they do things online, not on one to one basis, so i am afraid if i dont get the results that i want.
call it paranoid or whatever.. i have a deadline set, so i aim to finish it on time.. and time is running out, which makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter at 300km/h.

fuck all of this.. im going to play battlefield.

dealing with data

i have been at it for 2 weeks.

everyday i would refer to a senior's thesis, read the whole analysis chapter, look at my data, and go do something else.

i just couldnt understand what to do with my data.

and that really sucks.. im not sure what software i should be using, im not sure which data should i be running for ANOVA or whatever test there is..  and i got an A for statistics last semester.

being booksmart is for shit....useless i tell you.

When you have high hopes for something, failing to achieve would indeed cause devastation.

Not hoping, takde hal!

recently my period has been really weird.. it doesnt come out as much as it does. my friend told me that its cause i havent enough blood, and the walls of my uterus is thin and fragile, and the slightlest shock would be able to kill whatever thats in it. perhaps thats explains why my miscarriages happened.

apparently i am the type that should even be trying to control my farts while pregnant because any thing that causes vibration could disrupt the process. imagine that.. i went to the gym and was all hyper lol. if i know that was the case i wouldnt have done any of that.

ahh.. kira takde rezeki lah tu. cz if the baby was meant for me then the doctors would have notified me about this.. or maybe i would not have skipped appointments regarding my test results.

ok lah tu.. duit masih boleh dijoli-jolikan.

Change

it has always been difficult for me to change the order of my routine

the thought of trying to do things differently is always there, but the chance of executing it, one in a million.

for example, i always would brush my teeth after shampooing, so that there would be enough time for the shampoo to really be absorbed into my scalp then i would wash my hair and apply conditioner before continuing to shower and scrub my face. if i do it differently then i would feel weird, like im not supposed to do it like that, and that the shampoo wont work as well as it usually does.

and like if i were to bring my bike to UKM, i would always end up using the same road, even when i thought of going through an alternate route the whole night before.

and it is especially obvious if it regards senses...

i would go to an ice cream shop, thinking of trying a new flavour, trying out all flavours available, and would still end up buying chocolate. even when i eat it i feel like, why the fuck did i buy this, its so boring.

i buy the same perfumes everytime, and i prearrange them for use on different days of the week

i listen to the same songs... its a rare thing if i were to discover a new band or jam,

i like looking at new things though.

lol

just something that came across my head..

a friend used to say that i have OCD, because i like to place things in order. i think he sees me as a neat person.

i am not neat all the time, sometimes when the environment isnt right, i dont see the purpose of keeping everything in place. because when the people surrounding me dont appreciate cleanliness, the place would be a mess faster than my eyes could blink. and that would make me feel very very very upset.

to avoid feeling so i just.. ignore the mess.

that happens because i have this expectation for myself-to be able to keep the house clean- but eventually my body just couldnt deal with the exhaustion(repetitive tidying) so my brain gets angry because it not how it wants it to be.

same thing this semester.. i was ahead of my game last semester so i thought it would be alright this semester but it din go well at all because i was totally disorganized, felt so fucking retarded.

so it came to a point where i just didnt give a fuck for a while.. made me feel even worse though.

and now, im anxious about my results.

either that or because i told that i kissed

sometimes i wonder if my heart keeps on skipping beats because of the dark secrets contained in me..

or maybe its because im nervous that results are coming out soon, scared that the subject that i turned in an MC for is still counted in as FAIL, and that it would affect my results all over...

or maybe, that i cannot decide on what to get with my ptptn money, and i secretly wish that i could buy everything at once.

its been two fucking weeks, two fucking unproductive weeks since semester break started. i was supposed to start writing my thesis, but i am lazing around at home, and i mean really being lazy as i couldnt even be bothered to go to the gym, despite having issues with the results of bingeing for the past couple of months (i would like to blame stress so that i dont have to feel too bad about it).

i did go for zumba once, and i didnt like it very much...my SIL does, because the moves incorporate dancing which to her seem easy, while i have to try hard to not appear to stiff.. ive never had the knack for dancing, my body just wont cooperate with me in such matters. good thing that there are also regular exercising routines..otherwise i dont think i would want to join. it would be useless really, how would i be able to burn anything if i cant move properly?

today, DH, SIL, DH's friend and i went to the fatty crab restaurant in taman megah. somewhere in kl...PJ. most reviews i read online were raving about the place, so i thought i should check it out myself.

honestly, i really dont like reading food reviews or food blogs other than Bangsar Babe's, because i feel like the reviews made by her are real, unlike the random people who dont have the right taste for food (though taste is somewhat subjective, there would be times where everyone would agree if the food just tastes like shit), or blog owners that are being paid to say nice things..in other words-they lie.

maybe i should start my own food blog someday (if my husband ever decides to increase his mobility).. so i could counter the comments of the famous eateries claimed to be excellent ha!

so anyways, the fatty crab restaurant, we went there early, arrived like around 6.30 pm (it opens at 6 if im not mistaken) with 10 minutes of slight traffic along the way, and the place was already half full. wow, i thought, there must be something thats really good about this place...ordering was simple though, very very simple, they had 3 types of seafood to choose from, prawns(garlic/chilli), crab(chilli/steamed) and fish(steamed), and theres fried rice or toasted bread, where the latter is said to be good eaten with gravy. debit card is of no permittance there, they accept only transactions of cash, which if you forget to bring any, an RHB atm is available nearby the area.

we ordered fried rice for 6 people (my husband can get really greedy at times lol) 3kgs of chilli crab and 13 fried chicken wings. service was fair.. it was like, it came to a point when i felt like 'where the fuck is my food' and it suddenly arrives lol. meaning to say, waiting duration - still at a tolerable level. so the food arrives, and it looked gorgeous.. just like in the pictures i googled countless times before. the crabs were of good size. the first thing i did was taste the gravy... hmm.. tasted like something i have made before at home- sweet and sour, with just hints of spiciness, and the aroma of shrimp paste. okay.. this is good. the chicken wings were nice, the flavours seemed familiar though.. like the 'flavoured white pepper seasoning' youd find in small shaker containers from supermarkets. the fried rice, normal stuff.

the crabs however..werent my cup of tea. yea its meatier compared to the regularly eaten flower crab, but the taste is not as sweet. it was more... how do i put this.. muddy i guess (duh..the crabs are 'mud crabs' after all). there was a light sweet taste to the meat if you really concentrate on the flavour (learn how to do this by watching rattatouile) but the taste was only of a short note, and then it all fades..... and the plain crabby taste takes place. the gravy really makes up for that muddy taste. thank god.. otherwise i would have felt reluctant to finish it all up. DH only ate like half a crab because he couldnt stand the muddiness, even when i was the one who picked out the flesh for him..imagine that. maybe DH was overreacting, because i ate almost half of the portion served. im not trying to be judgemental here, but i think its of the chinese stereotype that they like the crab because of its value.

because i myself wanted to eat the damn thing so bad after looking at pictures of the fat claws drizzled with gravy. apparently the rule 'you are what you eat' is real, and since the crab lives in dead organic matter, thats exactly how it tastes like.

by the time we were almost done, a line was starting to build up in front of the restaurant, and it was only 7.30pm. the people are really crazy about this place..DH's friend told us that this is what its like everyday, and that usually he would only order for takeaway, where he would call to order in advance, because the joint would be too crowded to eat at.

this is what the end of everything looked like

bill came up to RM219, with RM 129 for the crabs, 20 for the rice, 30ish for the wings and 10ish for drinks. 

reasonable price for me. the food satisfied my curiosity but not my palate. i definitely wont be going back for the crabs on my own accord... though invited i would be happy to chip in a few bucks so as to not be a spoilsport.

i need to concentrate on finishing my thesis before holiday ends!

Exams

i am fat. kaki aku dah sebesar batang pisang balik. i need to work out.. bila exams nak habis niiiii!

BlackBerry Passport

the thought of getting a Q10 just for temporary use before i get the Note 4,stayed a thought.. because i browsed a little on blackberry, and apparently they only just recently released a new flagship phone...

At first i thought Passport was just a term for its security measure or something like that, but i knew i was wrong when i accidently saw a photo of a square phone while i was browsing for 2nd hand Q10's on Mudah.my.

I clicked on the photo...and  i fell inlove with it straight away.

i then proceeded to googling the specs of the phone, and i fell even deeper...hahaha.. drama gila aku ni.

all reviews that i read were positive about the hardware of the phone, saying that its a huge upgrade from all other blackberries ever produced before, and that blackberry might rise from the ashes once again..yada yada yada. for me, i really dont give a damn about it all, as long as i could share files with my friends and do a little bit of work with it. because prior to using an android, i was a blackberry user too...and i loved my berry so much then, as it served its purpose well. the reason i switched to android was because it was new at that time, and touch screen phones were starting to become popular.and also because my bb was at the edge of breaking down lol.

anyways.. after seeing what i thought was enough of the phone on the internet, i made a call to a seller on Mudah.my, asked my father in law to belanja me a phone (mmg aku call dulu org tu suruh datang tanpa aku konfem ke tak dapat duit... hahaha.. i was fucking restless the whole day, scared that my FIL wont agree on me buying such an expensive phone, dahla dah call orang tu suruh datang malam tu jugak) and malam tu jugak aku beli.

upon opening the box, i totally did not expect the phone to be super huge....mak terkejut tau! phone petak , besar muka plak tuh.. and my face isnt your typical girl face, my face is the pinggan sized one. so besar! took the phone out from the box, held it in my hands and i thought 'oh my god.. what the fuck did i just buy', 'how am i gona talk on this' and 'but this looks pretty solid and handsome'. haha.. yang ketiga tu tak belahhhh.. ayat sedapkan hati sendiri. though it is a veryyyy veryyyyyy beautifully crafted device, i swear to it. the bezel is all metal, and it just feels good in my hands.. and mind you, that it is as solid as it looks. only just yesterday i was jumping like a monkey and the phone dropped out of my pocket (yeah it fits in my pocket.. and i was wearing skinny jeans) onto the floor, to what sounded like dents or cracks would appear somewhere on the phone..my heart skipped a beat..but i acted cool,picked up the phone, put it back on the table without taking a look at it (konon cool, padahal takut nak tgk kalau ada bengkok ke retak). selepas 5 menet baru slowly reach out to the phone, and pretended to look at messages, when i was furiously scanning for imperfection.

Nothing...not a single scratch on it. Lega gila!

the screen glass is made out of Corningware Gorilla Glass 3, so its pretty difficult to get scratched. good for me, because blackberry is heavily overshadowed by other companies, so this new realease isnt much of a hype yet in Malaysia. kalau nak cakap pasal accessories...mmg takde laaa for now. semua kene beli online. kalau ada casing or protector pun,, semua stock yang buruk2 je.. i got a silicon casing recently, and i hate it so much, but i pakai je cz kawan aku bising, kata just for temporary protection.

noww... getting into the operating system. so, my last blackberry was the bold 4, and that was of the old OS, tak ingat yang mana.. but it is very different from the current OS, Blackberry 10. so i was afraid i might have to subscribe to BIS upon wanting to make full use of the device, but i din have to, which is good, because im on a 2 year contract with maxis that still has a year plus remaining. having to subscribe would mean that id be breaching the contract, and i would have to pay a 1k fine.

seb baik tak payah. rabak duit aku kalau tak.

Apparently Blackberry 10 is relieved from the necessity of BIS to operate, and using it is a simple, straight-forward thing too (well actually i find that all phones are the same). and because i havent been using blackberry devices for a while, i wouldnt know what to compare it to (in terms of usability) except other platforms, so ill leave it at that.

App wise, i think it is pretty poor. maybe cz i came recently from android/iOS devices, i feel like it could use a bit more apps. with my note 3 i could buy gadgets to pair with my phone, but with the passport, i cannot do anything like that..because there isnt any apps to it. blackberry claims that theyre compensating this with the amazon store, but still, i find all the apps available to be very bland. but of course if there is a will then there would certainly be a way, and there is. theres this sideloading thingy that allows you to install android apps on the device. some works, while others dont, and theres that hassle of needing to connect it to a computer to get it started on the first place. since i dont actually use apps with my android before, i still like to see them on my phone, you know, just incase i decide to use any in the future lol. i would appreciate it if theres like at least a decent blogging app.. whatever lah. it makes me use my phone less. which is also good la kan? hahaha..

the keypad is wonderful to use... i think its really clever for bb to incorporate a trackpad into the keypad, it gives that minimalized look, and also adds a cool factor to it, being able to just flick on the keys for screen scrolling and other small things...

nevertheless i will still buy an android as a second phone so i could connect to devices that uses apps for that purpose!

eyeing for a OnePlus One!