lets see now.. aku bukak laptop kol 3 ptg.. nak buat kerja..

sekarang dah pukul 1 pagi.

dari siang tadi aku dok main2 dgn gmbar.. and tgk fb..

kah3...

tak boleh harap langsung.

esok kelas kol 8. tah boleh bangun tah tidak. biasa mmg kalau kunci jam aku sedar dari tido.. tapi nak bangun dari katil tu yang malas gila.. dah la kalau kelas kol 8 aku kene gerak sebelum kol 6.15, kalau aku nak naik public transport. taxi pun kene gerak awal, sebab kalau pukul 8 kat station tu mmg takde taxi.. tunggu lah sapai 8.30, baru ada. malas aku.. dah la kene berebut. kelas sejam plak.. tak berbaloi langsung. subject esok ni lecturer biasa ajar simple and short je.. so usually itd only take like 45 mins or so. kalau 8.30 baru nak naik cab.. dgn having to share it with another one or two passengers.. mmg 8.45 lah aku sampai kelas. bukan aku malu tau sampai lambat.. aku selalu jer sampai lewat gila..selamber masuk. lecturer pun paham kot.. sebab tau aku duduk kat kl. dulu masa naik basikal lagi lah.. dah la sampai lewat, peluh jeruk.. letih mengayuh, so tido jelah in the remaining minutes. tapi kalau kecuh kecah semata nak sampai kelas yang dah habis.. tak ke bengap namanye tu.. baik aku tido je kat rumah..

mau tk mau.. kene gerak awal ler.. puiiihhh..

masa first sem dulu aku selalu dapat bawak kereta kalau kelas pagi.. so kelas tak pernah miss.. ni makin hujung makin malas plak. hahahahha.

good night!

Aku suka tgk documentaries.. especially the ones on wildlife. Ever since I was young, the national geographic slot on rtm,tv3 was something that I anticipated. Without fail,tiap2 minggu mmg aku tgk.. kalau terlepas tu kira frust gila lah..sebab dulu astro takde, so shows only run once.

Sekarang dah ada astro,internet lagi.. takpe lah. Kalau sempat je tgk.

Kejap ni aku tgk man in the wild:water. This african guy, made a significant change to the lands he roam. Dari tanah gersang,dia boleh buat pokok tumbuh... jadi hutan. Dia sorang pulak tuh, sebab the rest of the tribe thinks he's crazy and they dont think hed make it so they refused to help. And he doesnt even have scientific knowledge. Tapi dia boleh pikir mcmana nak retain water, encourage symbioses.. and all sorts of things.

And that scuba jeff guy..the mabul guy. He used to pay kids to collect plastic waste. Like wtf.. aku tak pernah terpikir pun nak buat mcm tu. kenapa dia pikir macam tu weh?!!?!?!

and theres this friend of mine, from usm, younger than me, but already thinking above and beyond. buat macam2.. sampai boleh pergi LI dekat woodshole institute of oceanography..(interns in the states and in research centers like this one are difficult to try for.. baru try tau. competition bersepah.. i tried applying for MBARI before, tapi tak dapat.. sebab resume aku 0..kah3... orang pemalas.. mcm ni lah.. mengharap durian tu gugur terbukak dan isi dia terlantun keluar sambil force tu menanggalkan the whole flesh from the seed, terus masuk dalam mulut aku..mmg tak dapek la kannn..).

Aku yang ada acientific knowledge and resources ni..tak boleh nak fikir mcm mana nak buat something for the environment..mcm dorang dorang ni.. aduhai.

Maybe I seem easily impressed by people..but man, kau boleh ke fikir nak buat bende2 mcm tu? Aku rasa mungkin sebab aku sekarang ni agak content with life..walaupun masih tak mampu nak duduk diam2 kat rumah.. kalau boleh aku nak merayap je. ikut org... sape2 pun tak kesah.. janji merayap.. haha.. apa punya bini daa..

Kadang2 the thought of not being able do think of something usefull makes me feel like shit. You might think im exaggerating, but no im not. I love the environment,very much. Itu pasal aku amek marine biology. Sebab mmg bende ni lah yg aku nak buat dari kecik..tapi tulah..my brain isnt that productive. Yang gua terer ialah kelentong hahahaha. Janji gua boleh merayap tanpa dipersoalkan.. I feel like its a waste that us humans are causing the deterioration of it unconsciously by time..and its really sad when documentaries from years ago that features pristine conditions of ecosystems are no longer true in todays world.

Nanti in years to come will people still be able to see the beauty of our planet?

My worst fear on this issue is if all that remains would only be of memories in the future.

Bila lah otak gua nak start turning nihhh..bilaaaaaaaaa??!!! Arghghghhh

I like the taste of burnt raisins.. bitter sweet.

I blog a lot lately.. yang gap lama aku tak blog tu bukan sebab apa..banyak je bende aku nak cakap2..tapi tak tertulis..sebab phone dulu susah nak post. Aku tak minat pakai client app...

Seb baik blackberry ni boleh guna browser mcm biasa and senang lah jugak nak post..compared to samsung dulu.kalau nak post guna browser dia macam ada bende tak kene.

Its weird for me not to say these things out loud, because bila aku tgh cakap dgn org aku terpikir..but it just wont come out. Hahah.. I guess I like keeping things inside je kot. That pretty much explains the failed vlog attempts lol.

I got to know that UKM will be sending us squash players for the racquet sports event in sarawak sometime during may. Aku harap takde laaaa player power.. bosan lah asek kalah je.. kah3. Takde motivasi langsung! Dulu aku gila babi training nak naik..tapi takde hape pun..sebab aku takde background sukan.. kerja aku throughout my primary and highschool years is makan tido jer. Start pegang reket masa nak habis matrik..pastu kat usm jadi gila kejap..12 jam sehari wei duduk kat court. Hari hari,without fail.Kelas tak pergi apa pun tak buat

Org sampai panggil aku penunggu squash court. Hehe.. last2 penunggu ni boleh 1.57 je hahahahahaha.. pastu mak aku tny dpt berapa..aku cakap 2.7..ghopernye surat sampai kat rumahhh sebab kene probation kan..haha..tu paling bongok skali. Seb baik mak aku redha je.

Tapi masa tu aku susah nak ubah cara aku started with.. basics were bad..so everything else was bad as well. But I was so in love with the sport.. when I got married, DH Cakap takleh main, I felt so down..like my heart was ripped into a thousand pieces. Serious wa cakap lu. Masa tu aku pun tak tau nak kata apa..time tu plak takde org tau aku dah kawen, so bila kene buli mcm tu aku tak tau nak cakap kat siapa. Haha..sadis betul.

sekarang ok lah.. dia tak bagi pun terpaksa bagi je.. hahahaha

Sekarang I am playing much better than dulu, even with less hours. Because I have finally managed to grasp the basics, and learned how to relax, and play just to keep me satisfied. And of course win some lah kan.. asek kalah je bosan gak. UKM hantar untuk medal..tapi aku mampu main ikut kemampuan aku je..sebab sini takde coach. Training sendiri boleh dapat medal ke? Gua bukan squash prodigy beb... kalau tak konfem2 aku dah main malaysia, walaupun start main at the age of 20.

Kalau dapat medal tu..mmg lah sebab player power takde, kah3.

Dulu senang sikit nak menang..sebab masum biasa dia within ipta je.. sekarang both ipta and ipts ada skali. Banyak state players masuk ipts..so bila dah semua ada.. competition dia mmg tough la. Aku tak boleh nak lawan lah dorg punye shots and ball placements.. kejar bola aku ok. Tapi kalau semua dah nak main trick shots je..mampus jugak nak mengejarnye. Fitness gua hancur.. sebab..sebab..hahahahahaha. If you lepak with me and the circumstances are right, then you will know why :p

Its almost 5 in the morning.. so boring. I played a bit of battlefield tadi..best jugak sebab I got quite a lot of kills today.

Today is one of the most boring days in my entire life... cari org nak lepak.. org takde! Hahahahaha.

Disebabkan bosan..aku bawak kereta pun 60km/h je td dari bangi sampai lah ke rumah..

Itu kira petak tahap mokhsya dah tu. Kalau tak myvi tu habis meter aku tekan.

Sesampainye di rumah..gua duduk tgk you tube, baring2, pusing sana pusing sini.. main peluk2 dgn laki aku.. dgr lagu balik, masak nasik..potong tembikai yg tak sedap langsung..

Adoii.. apebende la nak buat ni sial. Padahal kerja bertimbun jer.. haha tapi mood kerja tu tak dtg.. rasa nak lepak je.taknak duduk diam buat kerja! Taknakkkkk!

Tak sabar nak tunggu isnin..nak pergi ukm..

Disebabkan aku merengek non stop sebab bosan kat laki aku.. he gave in. And brought me to the movies. We watched kingsman, which I thought was pretty cool because of this guy

Ive always liked watching him act. I find him to show the expressions that I appreciate. Mcm ada takde perasaan gituh... walaupun tua..tapi pergh. Style sial... pehhhhhhh..angau la aku malam niiii..hahaha. aritu kat alan rickman, ni kat dia plak. 

I dont know wether its them being british that caught me or what but they definitely are very sexy men.

I have a friend, who is in the process of a divorce. Kawan aku ni laki. Bini dia yang mintak cerai tu. They have been together for almost 15 years, including 8 years of marriage. Alasan bini dia mintak cerai mmg aku tak boleh nak brain lah kan..because dorang dah susah sama2 dari awal. Secara tiba jahhh bila bini dia dah kerja masyuk, start buat perangai, mintak cerai..katanya kerana kawan aku ni tak mampu tanggung family.

And dia maki macam2 lagi... agak haru lah kan.

Kawan aku ni sedih gila..sebab dia tak sangka, kenal punya lah lama, tapi disebabkan harta bini dia boleh jadi mcm tu. Padahal family kawan aku ni banyak gila tolong bini dia bab duit even before dorg kawin lagi.

Tapi disebabkan bini dia mintak cerai dan dah malukan kawan aku ni, semua org pun jadi benci ahh kat bini dia. Mak bapak, kawan2(laki aku) nasihat suruh dia forget the wife and find someone else,and never to go after her again. I have my doubts, because I feel like he is kinda like me, where perasaan dia tu bersembunyi disebalik lawak2 bodo bangang dia dan kata2 poyo dia yang dia takkan pegi balik ke bini dia.

And memang betul pun.. despite all the brainwashing from various parties, dia masih menaruh harapan untuk bini dia balik kat dia. Bini dia sekarang malas nak deal dgn court case or bayar gantirugi kot, that dia pujuk kawan aku ni balik, demi anak katanya. Obviously mamat ni nak! Perasaan sayang ni bukan boleh suka suka hati je dtg dan pergi. Casanova sekalipun, kalau dah sangkut sorg, mmg dia sangkut jugak... walaupun dia still nak main cinta dgn org lain.

And bila laki aku dapat tau, dia rasa nak marah kat kawan aku ni.

So I told him..

Kita tak duduk kat tempat dia. Semua org cakap senang suruh lupa, tapi sebenarnya kalau jadi kat kita, entah lagi teruk terhegeh2nye. Aku sendiri pun kalau ko mintak cerai maki2 pastu pujuk aku balik, mmg aku akan balik kat ko. And I am pretty sure that you would do the same. It would be different if he already has someone to be with. Ni apa pun takde.. dahla dia ada anak dgn bini dia tuh. And dia pernah susah sama2. The very least we could do is just be there for him lah.. kata kawan?!

Hahaha.. aku rasa mcm penasihat agung sangat when I came out with such sentences.. but seriously beb, cakap aku yang ni..mmg betul dan boleh pakai. Aku rasa lah. Kan..hahahahaha

Janganlah main2 dengan perasaan.. you dont know how much it could hurt anyone. I have been frustrated myself and believe me, the pain is even worse than my second miscarriage. And aku ni kira berhati jantan lah jugak..

Harini makan banyak..nak tido takboleh..perut kembung sgt. Esok kononnye nak bangun pagi pergi gym pastu main squash kat ukm. Tah boleh tah tidak..pg td pun bangun kol 10.30...hahaha.

Karoke..best nyanyi lagu melayu lama2 je. Sebab lagu melayu je yg mendayu..tak kira lah rock ke tak. Kalau mat salleh lagu dia mcm biasa je.

Sejak 2 menjak ni aku asek pergi karoke je..dulu, aku mmg suka gila karoke. Yelah sekarang pun suka jugak. Tapi dulu lg gila.. tiap malam 20 lagu. Lagu satu singgit..so berbaloi la kan..haha.. sekarang kat kl ni kira per room per hour..kalau nak nyanyi banyak kene skip lagu sokmo. Tak puas..

Banyak bende aku rasa tak kena sekarang nih.. pasal apa entah. Umur baru 25 going 26 end of this year, takkan dah ada mid life crisis? Hidup gua sampai 50 je ke?

Must have something to do with religion nih.. dulu masa jack2 alim kerja aku nak main squash je. Sekarang tak berapa alim macam2 nak buat. Hahahahaha... jgn macam2 jgn macam2.

Finally taik aku keluar semua harini..berkat blog dlm jamban.

Apa tu hidup tanpa tujuan?

Hidup yg ko bangun,pergi ukm,nak buat kerja,tapi tak buat, kelas tak pergi sebab malas nak gerak dari tempat duduk semasa, pastu fikir bila nak siap..

Senang cite pikir je tapi tak de action

aku lah tu.. adoi..

Semalam aku lepak dgn kawan dari usm. Boleh kata dia ni salah sorg kawan yg aku rasa best la. One of the very few yang stood by me lol. We talked about what happened,how it all happened (pasal kawin lari) and talked about the feelings we used to have and where we stand at now. Aku suka cerita bende bodoh..but at the same time aku appreciate gila if the conversation becomes more of a serious one. Because that would be the time when I would unconsciously pour my heart out, which explains why I am usually found to be happy. If I dont get to talk then I would write here. As satisfying as writing gets, I couldnt possibly remember to note everything, there would always be points left out..but whatever. Janji ada je.

Mungkin org tertanya.. ada laki apehal nak pergi cerita dgn kawan laki lagi..cakap2 dgn laki je sudah.

Hahahahaha.. eh sukati aku la aku nak cakap dgn sape pon!

Aku dgn laki aku jarang bincang hal serious. Mungkin sebab hal serious aku biasanya berkaitan dgn family aku so dia tak berapa minat nak dengar.. aku tak salahkan dia, I know he has his reasons. But me being me, aku tak nak mengharap for him to be able to lend me his shoulder, sebab aku tak suka perasaan kecewa bila dia endah tak endah tu. Buat aku marah..pastu nnt gaduh..gaduh buat serabut..aku tak suka serabut. Hahaha banyak bende aku tak suka ni.. tapi tulah. Jadi kalau aku cakap, dan dia tak layan or malas2 nak komen, aku tak sebut dah, and bila aku lepak dgn kawan, kalau kawan tanya aku cerita. Biasanya kawan2 aku mmg tanya lah.. haha aku pun tak tau pasal apa dorg sibuk nak tny tapi aku appreciate soalan2 serious mcm tu. Because then I would get to talk.

And they would offer suggestions, dari yang bongok hinggalah ke yang berasas.

Mcm needy, tapi aku boleh je lepak sorg2 kalau takde org nak lepak dgn aku.

Dari semalam lagi aku nak berak tapi takleh.. adoiii.. pundek lerr.. yakult dah minum..makan dah mcm mengandung perut aku ni. Toilet dah dekat rumah.. period baru habis.. apa masalah lagi tak tahu..

Ke sebab banyak sgt protein ah?

Dah tgh bulan march do.. shit la. Why does time fly at this rate?! Why am I blaming time for my own ignorance? Lol. Kerja tak start2 pun.. aduhh.. apelah perangai ni. Patut dah boleh siap,tapi tak gerak satu apa! Wehh aku stress..stress dgn diri aku sendiri. Tolong lah.. I think I need to have like a getaway to finish everything up.

Ini lah perangai tahik..komplen2 tapi apa pun tak buat.. hahaha.

Apelah nak jadi sem ni..makin lama makin tahpape plak aku rasa aku belajar ni. Maybe mmg betul ler..sume bende pun aku cepat bosan.

Makin jauh dgn tuhan plak tuh.. ish. Dulu dah mcm tobat..patu buat balik bende sama.. sarah2..

Hari2 aku pergi ukm dgn harapan keluarlah light bulb atas kepala so that I could start on my work..tapi takde! Mana hilangnya saka2 semangat kat ukm tu pun entah.

harini gua dapat apa yang gua cari.. although not exactly as how i wanted it, tapi takpelah.. janji jenis edition jugak.

dulu bersepah siall,, oakley fives squared. sekarang mak aiii.. susah gila nak cari. aku plak nak yang ducati punye, mmg takde dah la.. aku tak minat yang frame dia polished.. sbb aku rasa kilat2 ni tak best mana pun. tak ganaz.. haha. but i end up buying the motoGP edition of fives squared..because yang tu je ada. boleh nak custom dari us, tapi belanja banyak lah plak.. premade sunglasses costs around 70 -90 us dollars.. custom 170 us dollars.. gila kau.. boleh je sebenarnye nak beli, tapi aku kalau boleh nak ler simpan sikit... kot nnt ada bende lain nak beli kene tunggu pulak zaman berzaman.

satu lagi warna yang aku suka ialah smoke grey.. for the frame. pakcik laki aku ada a pair of smoke grey fives squared. i asked him last week but he doesnt have them on him at the moment. said its somewhere at home in kemaman.

takpe ahh.. nnt ada duit lebih sikit aku order yang custom punye.. hahahahaha.. ye i like to membazir like that. kedekut sambil bazir..

harini hari sabtu.. esok ahad... pastu isnin.. gua tak sabo tunggu isnin sebenarnye ni.. nak main squash!

I always find peace when im shitting in the toilet. I dont know why..I guess dumping is my me time lol.

I used to have all the books written by khaled hosseini. There were only two at that time, the kite runner and a thousand splendid suns. And I had them read like countless times, because I loved the way he wrote it, I love reading of peoples struggles in achieving their freedom. I appreciate how he puts it in writing.

Today, after many years (and i lost both books too) I watched the movie 'kite runner' for the first time. The actors couldnt have performed better..everything is as just how I read it... though of course lacking a bit of emotion that you could only get from reading. The cinematics of the movie is beautiful, perhaps because of the settings. I like places as such..i feel that theres so much to see, so many scars to intepret of, and it all hit me right in the feels.

Hati aku kalah lah dgn bende2 mcm tu.. haih. I think its because of age..makin tua, makin nak menghargai ke apa tah. Or maybe ni tgh zaman aku nak kene relate semua bende dgn hidup aku...haha..mcm bodoh je. In other words, zaman takde kerja!

Tapi bro, wujud ke orang sebaik baik hamba seperti dalam cerita tu?

this is an attempt of trying to speak my heart out... haha.. its pretty awkward, aku jadi tak tau nak cakap apa, padahal banyak je bende nak bagitau. maybe i just have to get the hang of it, perhaps im just too comfortable with writing.

baru jerrr balik dari mabul like 2 days ago. apa verdict aku tentang mabul?

tempat paling best pernah aku pergi...

asal? sebab depan2 chalet dah ada seagrass. and theres so many things to see amongst the blades! diving on the other hand was ok la.. i felt a bit bored, because everyone else had cameras to use and i din. i wanted to get one, but i was afraid of my buoyancy not being good enough.

the best experience was the company.. shit man.. they were the most awesome group of people ever. i fucking enjoy laughing all day long with them, off their stupid jokes and all.

that and i met another talented photographer..the owner of the water chalet himself, Scuba Jeff. oh my god, his photos are phenomenal. yelah.. aku ni siapa je nak judge kan, camera pun takde,., kalau gambar aku amek tu, dari seratus keping, 1 pun tak jadi.. hahahahaha. tapi aku rasa aku ada keen eye pada seni yang orang lain hasilkan.

mungkin tak cantik pada mata orang lain, tapi cantik pada aku. gambar jep ni, jenis yang bila aku tgk tu, dia ada satu rasa suam yang fills up my whole body, sekali dengan rasa sebak di hati.. mcm nak nangis gitu.. gambar2 yang supervisor aku amek pun banyak yang mcm tu jugak.

dan aku suka gila bila datang perasaan mcm tu dikala aku melihat hasil fotografi orang.

aku suka tgk benda cantik. suka gila.

laki aku cakap aku bukan suka tgk bende cantik, tapi aku suka tgk benda mahal... hahaha kuang hajo. bukan salah aku kalau bende cantik tu mahal...

tapi serious la wei.. kalau aku berduit, mmg aku tak kisah pun nak spend beribu on a single photo.. because i believe that things that can touch my heart are priceless, nak pulak bila secara terang dan nyata terbukti bahawa aku ni sukar tersentuh hati.

ok lah.. kalau rasa nak tgk apa yang aku gila gila kan sangat tu.. tgk la kat sini. brader ni dah pemalas sekarang, berkurun dah tak update. still, gambar2 dia mmg leleh la sial.. https://scubajeff.wordpress.com/

and lagi satu.. supervisor aku punye.. https://www.flickr.com/photos/keealfian

its almost 5, im gona be late for squash.