Friday, July 24, 2015

I always adore listening to street music. Im not an artist, but I believe I have keen senses for good talent. Looking at them skillfully playing their instruments, can usually bring me to the point of tears.

Hati taman sangat.. kih3.

Same goes to meaningful photos, paintings, drawings, lyrics, beautiful voices, song arrangements.. I love them all. Thats why I decided to pick up photography recently. Always had wanted to learn the techniques of capturing priceless moments, but never had the persistence. Often I would purchase cameras, but never would I use them for more than a month. I was just too lazy to be carrying it around, and the awkwardness level when trying to take pictures of people was too damn high!

Sekarang better la.. I can baring bergolek gelantang in trying to get a shot that I want. All thanks to Scuba Jeff for mentoring me. Kalau tak jumpa brader ni, mungkin aku masih hanya berangan untuk mengambil gambar.

Walaupun gambar aku takde la bagus sgt pun.. tapi bagi aku, ada lah peningkatan prestasi tu. Hahaha...

I hope I could go further in this field, kot2 la bende ni hidden talent ke apa kan. Hahaha. Or good enough that I feel that my photos are comparable to steve mccurry's.. hahahahahahahaha.

Tinggi gilo cita2!

Monday, July 20, 2015

harini tgk result.

3.49 sahajo.

nak kata sedih.. tak kot. sebab mcm tak pergi kelas langsung sem ni.. perangai lagi. so kira ok lah tu.

cukup lah nak makan. hahahaha. seb baik lecturer semua sayang aku. kalau perangai mcm ni kat usm dulu, 1.00 dalam tangan.

sesungguhnye aku tak balik2 lagi ke pd. sebab aku malas. bangun hari2 pukul 2, 3 ptg. tak buat apa2 kerja, sebab adik ramai, so i get to be king..hihihi. supervisor text because she was expecting me today. said she was worried. i replied -

'omg im so sorry.. it rained this morning so i kinda slept back and now its past noon.. - 'its okay, theres not much work to do. you can come tomorrow instead, because interns are supposed to come back on wednesday'- 'ohhh.. okay la.'-'dont forget to bring me some rendang'

my parents decided to send my friends bike for, as a token of their gratitude for letting me eat and stay at their place for free. friends dad is really nice. always talks about fishing.. sampai aku pun rasa mengelejat nak g memancing. dont know when though.

i am planning to purchase a 5D mark II sometime soon. i have like a bunch of new-old lenses that my dad apparently owns from 16 years ago. that and 2 slr cameras. i am pretty stoked about them, because i feel like, film photography really tests your skills. i wanna know where i stand.

where do i stand?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Spending raya in kl this year. bukan berdua tetapi bertujuh. honestly what i expected is awkwardness.. but it did not go that way. it all felt as normal as an infant suckling on his moms tit.

ye mungkin segalanya akan berlalu, dan dilupakan.

mungkin bagus juga begitu.

esok nak balik PD, lusa tgk result sem ni.. aiyooo.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I know I left too much mess and 
destruction to come back again 
And I caused nothing but trouble 
I understand if you can't talk to me again 
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" 
then I'm sure that that makes sense 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

And when we meet 
Which I'm sure we will 
All that was there
Will be there still 
I'll let it pass 
And hold my tongue 
And you will think 
That I've moved on.... 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be

This song sounds a lot like something that happened to me:
I was married to a guy and asked for a divorce because of the things I did and felt unsatisfied with everything. He was really crushed about it and it totally tore him apart. We had spent a few months apart after that, and in that time, he decided that the only way to get over me was to have nothing to do with me. Truth is, he was so indifferent to me that it just killed me, and I realized that I couldn't live without him. I became just as depressed and messed up as he had been, but I refused to tell him how I felt, because I knew that I didn't deserve to even tell him that I still loved him. Eventually, I couldn't bear the pain anymore, and I confessed my feelings...the first 2 verses of this song are almost exactly what I had said to him when I started out the conversation. He had still had some feelings for me, but he just couldn't take me back, because I had hurt him so badly. A lot has happened since then, but I still think about him everyday. We still have feelings for each other, but neither of us would ever admit it. This song just seems to spell out my relationship to a tee.

Its only been like a couple of months but like i said, im not a person who easily falls in love with anyone.

I gave him this song, just to get that peace of mind. Dapat la jugak kepuasan tu..because it includes everything that I have to say.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Internship is boring.. perhaps its because of the scope of work..aquaculture. Im not much into it. Much more interested in whats going on in the open sea. Even so, because im dealing with live creatures(seahorses), that sense of responsibility is somewhat inevitable. Kesian la kan kalau binatang tu tak dijaga, diberi makan, dibelai. Kuda laut pun boleh belai tau. Hahaha. Lumut kat badan dia kene buang selalu..kalau tak boleh masuk askar dah dorang.

The weather has been really pleasant these couple of days. Lama tak rasa cuaca macam ni..

My muscles are shrinking. Rapidly.. im pretty concerned about it, but I dont know what to do. I need like a proper gym with weights and all, because I dont feel satisfied working out only by body weight. Rindu nak main squash. Theres a royal pd yacht club here with squash courts, but its for members only. Boring betul.. nak pergi main kat ukm tapi I have to work every day. Ye itulah downside kerja bidang aquaculture. Nak kene tend to the animals everyday.

I cannot help feeling lonely at times. I have people who love me but I feel like theyre doing it wrong. They dont understand that I need space sometimes. I dont feel like I actually have anyone to talk to, to listen to what I have to say. They always have something to criticize, or worse, they put words in my mouth instead. Tell me how to act, tell me what to do..

I havent found anyone so far, who can just accept me for who I am.

Masa berbuka tadi aku dah bayangkan growing old alone. Hahaha.. dahsyat tak dahsyat.

Nak merayap la jap.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Not everyone knows this, but perhaps it is time for me to make it public. I am officially divorced. Because of what I did, I initiated the divorce, because I thought it would make everyone happy. Basically everyone thinks im shit for being a wife but hanging out with guys like theres no limit to it. Well of course lah I am.. maybe because I forgot my religion kot..pikir nak kawan je, pikir nak seronok. Sebab all these while what was important to me is that I stayed faithful. Well yea, most of my friends are guys. Tapi takde la plak aku nak main cinta kan.

Unfortunately thats not how its supposed to be. My actions made my ex and his family hurt. So I guess whats best is for me to just, get out of their picture.

I dont think I need to to explain myself further..what happened, happened. And now I am told to move on.


Sunday, June 14, 2015

I finished my viva, you know, the assessment for your final year project. and i think i did ok, though my professor did say that my work is good. i dont know wether to agree or not, because honestly i felt it was shit. i dont think the data is usable at all, because of time constraints and my methodology not being too strong. but whatever. its done, and if he says its ok, that means its ok lah.. i just hope he really meant it, dont want the the result to be a B. cakap ok, tapi tak ok. would be dissapointed then...

i have three more papers to go before i complete this semester, then its off to industrial training. i hope training would make me learn something.. dont want to be doing nothing like before. tapi sebab this time it actually is something related to what im studying so should be ok lah.. ill be doing research with UPM. on aquaculture and some ecology work kot. on and off mabul.. what more could i ask for.

cant wait!