Monday, May 25, 2015

When you realize the decisions you made recently is not what you actually want, you cant help feeling that it would be best if you could just dissapear from the face of the earth until everything gets back to normal.

Will it ever be normal again though?

Fuck.

Susah kalau dah bagi hati kat org ni. Nak ambik balik, mungkin during periods of time ko rasa dah takde sebab marah, tapi bila dah rilek tu kau rasa mcm ohh fuck apa aku dah buat ni.

Tapi tak apa lah. Tak boleh nak puaskan hati semua org. Hati aku pun tak puas. So be it.


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

some people dont understand, how hard it is for me to actually fall in love.

the time it took for me to do so the first time was almost 4 years..

4 years to fucking feel that tingling sensation whenever he texted,saying i love you, or asking me about my day, wether ive eaten or not, what have i been doing..things like that. feeling confident of letting the world know how much i love him only after we tied the knot... betapa lamanye masa aku amek untuk mampu express perasaan kasih sayang tu sepenuhnye.

i really am not the type who immediately falls for someone fast and hard.

i always thought, that if things werent meant to be with my husband, then i would never love again. 

buat masa ni, i cannot avoid how other people feel towards me. i might like the guy in return, but that would be as far as it goes lah.. nak rasa cinta tu.. jauh lagi perjalanan.

mungkin hati aku ni hanya ada ruang untuk satu kot. 

kalau begitu lah hakikatnye.. aku ok je. sebab aku ada rasa, dgn gaya dan keadaan family yang memilih mcm ni,  aku akan hidup sorang je nanti in future. senang. 






Sunday, April 19, 2015

So Sorry

I am sorry
For all the hurt i have caused

Sorry
For all the sins you had to bear on my behalf

Sorry 
For all the lies that i have told

Sorry
For forgetting my duties as a wife

All because i am selfish, and i let slip the ways of islam

Some people appear in life as a blessing, while some as a lesson

I realize that i am the latter in yours

Because i am what i am, and because i feel you deserve someone better
I can never be good enough for you any longer with all that ive done

Though it was difficult for me to not stray away from my cold hearted decision

Parting is the only way that would make me feel at peace,

An opportunity for me to make amends and start over

Never will i forget what we had before, during the days when we were mutually happy and content

Thank you, and goodbye.




Saturday, April 4, 2015

out of 500 photos that i took, only 10 can be used.. itu pun by my standards.. ahahahaha..

kalau by jep's..i dono la. tak hado kot.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

lets see now.. aku bukak laptop kol 3 ptg.. nak buat kerja..

sekarang dah pukul 1 pagi.

dari siang tadi aku dok main2 dgn gmbar.. and tgk fb..

kah3...

tak boleh harap langsung.

esok kelas kol 8. tah boleh bangun tah tidak. biasa mmg kalau kunci jam aku sedar dari tido.. tapi nak bangun dari katil tu yang malas gila.. dah la kalau kelas kol 8 aku kene gerak sebelum kol 6.15, kalau aku nak naik public transport. taxi pun kene gerak awal, sebab kalau pukul 8 kat station tu mmg takde taxi.. tunggu lah sapai 8.30, baru ada. malas aku.. dah la kene berebut. kelas sejam plak.. tak berbaloi langsung. subject esok ni lecturer biasa ajar simple and short je.. so usually itd only take like 45 mins or so. kalau 8.30 baru nak naik cab.. dgn having to share it with another one or two passengers.. mmg 8.45 lah aku sampai kelas. bukan aku malu tau sampai lambat.. aku selalu jer sampai lewat gila..selamber masuk. lecturer pun paham kot.. sebab tau aku duduk kat kl. dulu masa naik basikal lagi lah.. dah la sampai lewat, peluh jeruk.. letih mengayuh, so tido jelah in the remaining minutes. tapi kalau kecuh kecah semata nak sampai kelas yang dah habis.. tak ke bengap namanye tu.. baik aku tido je kat rumah..

mau tk mau.. kene gerak awal ler.. puiiihhh..

masa first sem dulu aku selalu dapat bawak kereta kalau kelas pagi.. so kelas tak pernah miss.. ni makin hujung makin malas plak. hahahahha.

good night!


Saturday, March 21, 2015

Aku suka tgk documentaries.. especially the ones on wildlife. Ever since I was young, the national geographic slot on rtm,tv3 was something that I anticipated. Without fail,tiap2 minggu mmg aku tgk.. kalau terlepas tu kira frust gila lah..sebab dulu astro takde, so shows only run once.

Sekarang dah ada astro,internet lagi.. takpe lah. Kalau sempat je tgk.

Kejap ni aku tgk man in the wild:water. This african guy, made a significant change to the lands he roam. Dari tanah gersang,dia boleh buat pokok tumbuh... jadi hutan. Dia sorang pulak tuh, sebab the rest of the tribe thinks he's crazy and they dont think hed make it so they refused to help. And he doesnt even have scientific knowledge. Tapi dia boleh pikir mcmana nak retain water, encourage symbioses.. and all sorts of things.

And that scuba jeff guy..the mabul guy. He used to pay kids to collect plastic waste. Like wtf.. aku tak pernah terpikir pun nak buat mcm tu. kenapa dia pikir macam tu weh?!!?!?!

and theres this friend of mine, from usm, younger than me, but already thinking above and beyond. buat macam2.. sampai boleh pergi LI dekat woodshole institute of oceanography..(interns in the states and in research centers like this one are difficult to try for.. baru try tau. competition bersepah.. i tried applying for MBARI before, tapi tak dapat.. sebab resume aku 0..kah3... orang pemalas.. mcm ni lah.. mengharap durian tu gugur terbukak dan isi dia terlantun keluar sambil force tu menanggalkan the whole flesh from the seed, terus masuk dalam mulut aku..mmg tak dapek la kannn..).

Aku yang ada acientific knowledge and resources ni..tak boleh nak fikir mcm mana nak buat something for the environment..mcm dorang dorang ni.. aduhai.

Maybe I seem easily impressed by people..but man, kau boleh ke fikir nak buat bende2 mcm tu? Aku rasa mungkin sebab aku sekarang ni agak content with life..walaupun masih tak mampu nak duduk diam2 kat rumah.. kalau boleh aku nak merayap je. ikut org... sape2 pun tak kesah.. janji merayap.. haha.. apa punya bini daa..

Kadang2 the thought of not being able do think of something usefull makes me feel like shit. You might think im exaggerating, but no im not. I love the environment,very much. Itu pasal aku amek marine biology. Sebab mmg bende ni lah yg aku nak buat dari kecik..tapi tulah..my brain isnt that productive. Yang gua terer ialah kelentong hahahaha. Janji gua boleh merayap tanpa dipersoalkan.. I feel like its a waste that us humans are causing the deterioration of it unconsciously by time..and its really sad when documentaries from years ago that features pristine conditions of ecosystems are no longer true in todays world.

Nanti in years to come will people still be able to see the beauty of our planet?

My worst fear on this issue is if all that remains would only be of memories in the future.

Bila lah otak gua nak start turning nihhh..bilaaaaaaaaa??!!! Arghghghhh

Friday, March 20, 2015

I like the taste of burnt raisins.. bitter sweet.

I blog a lot lately.. yang gap lama aku tak blog tu bukan sebab apa..banyak je bende aku nak cakap2..tapi tak tertulis..sebab phone dulu susah nak post. Aku tak minat pakai client app...

Seb baik blackberry ni boleh guna browser mcm biasa and senang lah jugak nak post..compared to samsung dulu.kalau nak post guna browser dia macam ada bende tak kene.

Its weird for me not to say these things out loud, because bila aku tgh cakap dgn org aku terpikir..but it just wont come out. Hahah.. I guess I like keeping things inside je kot. That pretty much explains the failed vlog attempts lol.

I got to know that UKM will be sending us squash players for the racquet sports event in sarawak sometime during may. Aku harap takde laaaa player power.. bosan lah asek kalah je.. kah3. Takde motivasi langsung! Dulu aku gila babi training nak naik..tapi takde hape pun..sebab aku takde background sukan.. kerja aku throughout my primary and highschool years is makan tido jer. Start pegang reket masa nak habis matrik..pastu kat usm jadi gila kejap..12 jam sehari wei duduk kat court. Hari hari,without fail.Kelas tak pergi apa pun tak buat

Org sampai panggil aku penunggu squash court. Hehe.. last2 penunggu ni boleh 1.57 je hahahahahaha.. pastu mak aku tny dpt berapa..aku cakap 2.7..ghopernye surat sampai kat rumahhh sebab kene probation kan..haha..tu paling bongok skali. Seb baik mak aku redha je.

Tapi masa tu aku susah nak ubah cara aku started with.. basics were bad..so everything else was bad as well. But I was so in love with the sport.. when I got married, DH Cakap takleh main, I felt so down..like my heart was ripped into a thousand pieces. Serious wa cakap lu. Masa tu aku pun tak tau nak kata apa..time tu plak takde org tau aku dah kawen, so bila kene buli mcm tu aku tak tau nak cakap kat siapa. Haha..sadis betul.

sekarang ok lah.. dia tak bagi pun terpaksa bagi je.. hahahaha

Sekarang I am playing much better than dulu, even with less hours. Because I have finally managed to grasp the basics, and learned how to relax, and play just to keep me satisfied. And of course win some lah kan.. asek kalah je bosan gak. UKM hantar untuk medal..tapi aku mampu main ikut kemampuan aku je..sebab sini takde coach. Training sendiri boleh dapat medal ke? Gua bukan squash prodigy beb... kalau tak konfem2 aku dah main malaysia, walaupun start main at the age of 20.

Kalau dapat medal tu..mmg lah sebab player power takde, kah3.

Dulu senang sikit nak menang..sebab masum biasa dia within ipta je.. sekarang both ipta and ipts ada skali. Banyak state players masuk ipts..so bila dah semua ada.. competition dia mmg tough la. Aku tak boleh nak lawan lah dorg punye shots and ball placements.. kejar bola aku ok. Tapi kalau semua dah nak main trick shots je..mampus jugak nak mengejarnye. Fitness gua hancur.. sebab..sebab..hahahahahaha. If you lepak with me and the circumstances are right, then you will know why :p

Its almost 5 in the morning.. so boring. I played a bit of battlefield tadi..best jugak sebab I got quite a lot of kills today.